Answers to doubts.
I guess I need to first apologised for moments I couldn't help but to betray you. I was filled with my own desire. I wanted to hold him so much I want to just fulfilled my own subconscious desire to have him beside me. And on top of that, I guess I wanted to know what happen between us. Why didn't it work out like how people whisper about us. But I didn't got my answer anyway. Kinda, I guess. He said I don't know.
I thought I'd be fine.I just want to lie down on the shoulder of his, that I use to lay on so much. But when he began to remind of the times we use to have, I cannot hold it back much longer. So I let myself drown in it. He pats me on the head, and would let me rest well on his shoulder. He'd let me snuggle him and I just breathe next to his ears. He'd sniff my tummy, like how he use to sniff my hair before he leaves me behind. He'd lie close to me, so I can sleep with him. And I guess since he said he doesn't know, I can never know was this a dream or was that true that he kissed my cheek when I felt asleep, then he'd lie back to his sleep.
The next day, I dropped by to tell him that I injured my ankle and if he has remedy for it. He's all so cold. But as soon as I went back, he's just came over and he shouted my name. He hasn't called me for a very long time. I think the last time, ought to be when it was my birthday. He came with tapes and all and he just helped with all his knowledge for my ankle. I stared at him all the time whenever I can. He's the apple in my eye. I wanted to help him the same for his thigh since he injured himself so much in game and in NUO. I remembered the times in SDU he get me to massage his calf and shoulder for him. After the supper, I said I'm kinda having headache, and immediately after I went to brush my teeth, he showed up on my bed. I was kinda happy to know he actually cared and he just don't show it in front of everyone. He'd come over to help to ease the pain with his little tricks. They're not some powerful massage but because he cared, it made everything else possible. Maybe he just drop by for the internet, or I don't know what reason. When Elvina asked me about my bf, I felt heart broken. I asked myself why wasn't my bf, the one sleeping next to me at the time.
Traveling back to Nilai gave me so much reluctance. It felt so nice to have him near me. At least I know where he is. Sometimes he gets a little weird. Then sometimes, it goes back to a nice mode. When he does, sometimes things go hair wire. I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to keep away. But I did. Cuz I missed his soft lips. I already forgotten how it feels like. I panicked a little when things get a little out of hand. I was scared. I wanted to tell him I feel scared but I can't cuz no words seem to come out loud enough. But I'm running out of time and we're reaching Nilai soon. So I took all the courage I can spare to ask him, if he ever had feelings for me. He paused for a while and said no. Just a short period of time. And I asked, why did it stopped? He said he doesn't know. He asked why, and all I can said was, curious. I don't know exactly what to feel. But I just want to hug him when he returned me my ID and phone. I just did it. I don't know. I just felt so much of not wanting to let him go. I had to anyways. I wonder what was running through his mind at the time. I know for mine, I know I never did really let him go when I thought I did. He has always been the favorite boy that I like so so much. The jar of missed opportunity. I miss him so much, at almost every corner and time. It happened for almost 24 hours now, and all the time, I only had him in my mind.
I know deep down, no one can ever do the amount of things you can do for me. I don't know how am I going to deal with the fact that I let someone I love so much go, because I had been spending too much time with the person who I didn't want to hurt. I should have asked him at the time. Should have told him at the time. I hate myself for my ego.
All night I feel like I want to scream. Apparently, I was walking back after I sent you back to your room and he drove by. I was, surprisingly glad you weren't next to me at the time. I was glad I didn't stayed at your window like I'd use to because I cannot imagine what would he think of me. Laugh at myself for the thought. There's nothing for me to let him think of something nice about me. I'm such a mess. I wonder if he'd gonna talk to me after that anyway.
I'm sorry for these period of time. I need to clear these grey shades of my mind. I'm not sure if this ever fades of me. I even thought of breaking up so I can get this clear. I just want to stay single then I guess at least I can still choose. Cuz I know, if I can still choose, it's him for sure.
But he wont. Thats all.
Having you to run miles and be aware of my absentees touched me but also scared me. You asked me alas, again, if I love you. I never answered. In my mind all night, I was filled with the thoughts of the times I had with him and I was down to planning how to tell you this. Calculating if I am doing it wrongly.
HuiJin Liew
I thought I'd be fine.I just want to lie down on the shoulder of his, that I use to lay on so much. But when he began to remind of the times we use to have, I cannot hold it back much longer. So I let myself drown in it. He pats me on the head, and would let me rest well on his shoulder. He'd let me snuggle him and I just breathe next to his ears. He'd sniff my tummy, like how he use to sniff my hair before he leaves me behind. He'd lie close to me, so I can sleep with him. And I guess since he said he doesn't know, I can never know was this a dream or was that true that he kissed my cheek when I felt asleep, then he'd lie back to his sleep.
The next day, I dropped by to tell him that I injured my ankle and if he has remedy for it. He's all so cold. But as soon as I went back, he's just came over and he shouted my name. He hasn't called me for a very long time. I think the last time, ought to be when it was my birthday. He came with tapes and all and he just helped with all his knowledge for my ankle. I stared at him all the time whenever I can. He's the apple in my eye. I wanted to help him the same for his thigh since he injured himself so much in game and in NUO. I remembered the times in SDU he get me to massage his calf and shoulder for him. After the supper, I said I'm kinda having headache, and immediately after I went to brush my teeth, he showed up on my bed. I was kinda happy to know he actually cared and he just don't show it in front of everyone. He'd come over to help to ease the pain with his little tricks. They're not some powerful massage but because he cared, it made everything else possible. Maybe he just drop by for the internet, or I don't know what reason. When Elvina asked me about my bf, I felt heart broken. I asked myself why wasn't my bf, the one sleeping next to me at the time.
Traveling back to Nilai gave me so much reluctance. It felt so nice to have him near me. At least I know where he is. Sometimes he gets a little weird. Then sometimes, it goes back to a nice mode. When he does, sometimes things go hair wire. I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to keep away. But I did. Cuz I missed his soft lips. I already forgotten how it feels like. I panicked a little when things get a little out of hand. I was scared. I wanted to tell him I feel scared but I can't cuz no words seem to come out loud enough. But I'm running out of time and we're reaching Nilai soon. So I took all the courage I can spare to ask him, if he ever had feelings for me. He paused for a while and said no. Just a short period of time. And I asked, why did it stopped? He said he doesn't know. He asked why, and all I can said was, curious. I don't know exactly what to feel. But I just want to hug him when he returned me my ID and phone. I just did it. I don't know. I just felt so much of not wanting to let him go. I had to anyways. I wonder what was running through his mind at the time. I know for mine, I know I never did really let him go when I thought I did. He has always been the favorite boy that I like so so much. The jar of missed opportunity. I miss him so much, at almost every corner and time. It happened for almost 24 hours now, and all the time, I only had him in my mind.
I know deep down, no one can ever do the amount of things you can do for me. I don't know how am I going to deal with the fact that I let someone I love so much go, because I had been spending too much time with the person who I didn't want to hurt. I should have asked him at the time. Should have told him at the time. I hate myself for my ego.
All night I feel like I want to scream. Apparently, I was walking back after I sent you back to your room and he drove by. I was, surprisingly glad you weren't next to me at the time. I was glad I didn't stayed at your window like I'd use to because I cannot imagine what would he think of me. Laugh at myself for the thought. There's nothing for me to let him think of something nice about me. I'm such a mess. I wonder if he'd gonna talk to me after that anyway.
I'm sorry for these period of time. I need to clear these grey shades of my mind. I'm not sure if this ever fades of me. I even thought of breaking up so I can get this clear. I just want to stay single then I guess at least I can still choose. Cuz I know, if I can still choose, it's him for sure.
But he wont. Thats all.
Having you to run miles and be aware of my absentees touched me but also scared me. You asked me alas, again, if I love you. I never answered. In my mind all night, I was filled with the thoughts of the times I had with him and I was down to planning how to tell you this. Calculating if I am doing it wrongly.
HuiJin Liew
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