Untitled.

I'm not sure how should I be dealing with my emotions. It comes and goes so quickly.  I had a low peak this morning. I am very disappointed with myself with my performance. I ought to do better. It just break my heart to see myself performing below standards. Was I taking it less seriously that's why this is happening? I can't handle the moment thinking how close could I be with my first class. People keep telling me paper dont matter. I know. But money does. The gracious amount I borrow from PTPTN would take years for me to return. Not unless I earned it. It is pressurizing, but I know that I could have done better. Like Ultimate. I can too. I just need to be reminded of every little thing and all my carelessness and care freeness. I had to start working on theory's and keywords by heart. That knowing is not enough, delivering is.  

I feel a little emotionally unstable. Cuz sometimes no matter how hard I try, I just can't get it off my head. The jealousy within me, would just eat me up one day. Jealous of the fact some people are born so inquisitive and so smart, and when I say that, I meant by smart in connecting dots. That he know everything he does, and I knew pretty much nothing. I want to wish I was dreaming. Dreaming with a broken heart. Now that I conceal my feelings again. I don't like to do that. But revealing tears, I hate the latter more.



You asked me why didn't I run to him. I guess the answer's really simple. That I'm not ready to expose my weakness. I feel like I don't want to talk. Cuz everytime we had discussion it wouldn't end up so nice. And I can't take you talking to me. I feel like I don't need that sympathy. I'm sorry that everytime I don't understand whatever statement you're telling me cuz I'm too stupid, I'm sorry that I don't understand or share your point of view. I'm sorry I was too tired to want to continue to argue/discuss any burdening topic.