like Summer.
I watched 500 Days with Summer again. Now it's different because this time around, I watched knowing I've been there. I know I wasn't the one in love. Unfortunately I always fall out, fall behind. I'm in a constant debate with myself on what is right, and what makes me feel right.
I know we should never fight fire with fire, which is why I keep telling myself, don't wait or even think about waiting for him because he wouldn't want me, and he wasn't for me. I know that. Always do, like a tape on replay in my mind. I have been into him, and been on rehab and then all over again head to toes for him, but we never were together. Maybe we have a kind liking for each other, like Summer and Tom. He's been away for almost a year and no matter how I said to myself I wasn't ready to meet him, my excitation made me look forward to see him. So we did.
I met him, thinking that I can do it, and just be friends. We had a very comfortable conversation and as he left again, I knew I never really moved away. I may not love him, but this is a very odd but very strong feeling about him. Perhaps the regrets and all so carefully I held those memories we shared, had chained me down until today.
Interesting as my story would go, I wasn't with him and oddly I am with another man. I used to know that I genuinely like my boyfriend, except that when he left, he took everything with him.
Since he left, I know I gotto pick myself up, and I should let go. So I worked hard in trying to fulfil what logic would tell me; stay with the current boyfriend, he loves me more, he treats me like I'm the world to him, he'd take a bullet for me, he'd trade everything he has for another day together. I've been trying, so damn hard to feel that this is what I want to. As I look into his eyes when he said he loves me, I knew my eyes just betrayed me because it is filled with so much emptiness, I had to fake a smile.
Being with him wasn't terrible, at least there were less tears and pain, very comforting but just lacking one thing that people call - passion. My greatest problems with my boyfriend is that I couldn't walk pass my ego when I talk to my boyfriend. I wish we were more of equals. I tried sometimes to get to his level, but I'm always a step behind. I don't know how to congratulate his success, because I'm so consumed with this jealousy. I didn't choose to be less curious and I had been working everyday consistently to perform; not even trying to overachieve, but it's as if there weren't for me to take. And I think it is one of the reasons why I couldn't see him as a love one, but more of a competitor; except I'd never win.
I'm working on it, like seriously thinking bout how to mend things and how do I find this lost passion. I'm looking for this light that would finally guide me home. I'm so exhausted trying to hold back feelings and pour feelings adequately. I'm so exhausted trying to make ends meet. I'm so exhausted trying to find this spark. I'm so exhausted trying to keep my heads up. I'm so exhausted mending others' issue but not mine. I'm just an ordinary girl, except I had no rights of feelings.
All I want is just more luck to at least keep my heads up off the water until I finished my exams and thesis and papers. I am desperate, desperately seeking for something that is mine to call.
Jean.
I know we should never fight fire with fire, which is why I keep telling myself, don't wait or even think about waiting for him because he wouldn't want me, and he wasn't for me. I know that. Always do, like a tape on replay in my mind. I have been into him, and been on rehab and then all over again head to toes for him, but we never were together. Maybe we have a kind liking for each other, like Summer and Tom. He's been away for almost a year and no matter how I said to myself I wasn't ready to meet him, my excitation made me look forward to see him. So we did.
I met him, thinking that I can do it, and just be friends. We had a very comfortable conversation and as he left again, I knew I never really moved away. I may not love him, but this is a very odd but very strong feeling about him. Perhaps the regrets and all so carefully I held those memories we shared, had chained me down until today.
Interesting as my story would go, I wasn't with him and oddly I am with another man. I used to know that I genuinely like my boyfriend, except that when he left, he took everything with him.
Since he left, I know I gotto pick myself up, and I should let go. So I worked hard in trying to fulfil what logic would tell me; stay with the current boyfriend, he loves me more, he treats me like I'm the world to him, he'd take a bullet for me, he'd trade everything he has for another day together. I've been trying, so damn hard to feel that this is what I want to. As I look into his eyes when he said he loves me, I knew my eyes just betrayed me because it is filled with so much emptiness, I had to fake a smile.
Being with him wasn't terrible, at least there were less tears and pain, very comforting but just lacking one thing that people call - passion. My greatest problems with my boyfriend is that I couldn't walk pass my ego when I talk to my boyfriend. I wish we were more of equals. I tried sometimes to get to his level, but I'm always a step behind. I don't know how to congratulate his success, because I'm so consumed with this jealousy. I didn't choose to be less curious and I had been working everyday consistently to perform; not even trying to overachieve, but it's as if there weren't for me to take. And I think it is one of the reasons why I couldn't see him as a love one, but more of a competitor; except I'd never win.
I'm working on it, like seriously thinking bout how to mend things and how do I find this lost passion. I'm looking for this light that would finally guide me home. I'm so exhausted trying to hold back feelings and pour feelings adequately. I'm so exhausted trying to make ends meet. I'm so exhausted trying to find this spark. I'm so exhausted trying to keep my heads up. I'm so exhausted mending others' issue but not mine. I'm just an ordinary girl, except I had no rights of feelings.
All I want is just more luck to at least keep my heads up off the water until I finished my exams and thesis and papers. I am desperate, desperately seeking for something that is mine to call.
Jean.
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