Abyss

I've lost myself sooner than I expected.

I know you learned every strand of me.
I know how every single time you try to save me, I slipped right through.
I wish you knew how I tried to be the person you used to know.

I'm sorry, there is no words coming out from my mouth every time we try to talk about my mental health.
My ears, my mind, my eyes shut tighter because I am afraid of what's skin deep.

I'm sorry that my walls are thick.
I'm so contained, and so full of myself
That I am now disgusted by it.

I am no far of the kind of person you detest the most
Selfish, hypocritical, negative and hateful.

I am, all that.

You asked me when did it began. I had no idea what to say.

The way home today, all that's in my head is how much I want to start over.
I'd put a knife right through my chest.
How much I wished, its all Alt + F4 button and re-spawns.
I had no idea how I got lost.
You can never save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Deliberately, I refuse.
Your love is too heavy for my sunken soul.

Abyss is the right word to describe me.
Darkness looms, whenever, wherever.
I'd brought you too much sadness you never deserve.

You once said, "I will fix you".
And I'd like to believe you did.
I suppose broken things never really mends.

I did what was supposed to be done.
I had routine. I tried developing healthy lifestyle.
I tried to cook more. Tried to have hobby
Tried to plan somethings to look forward too.
My emotions are so jumbled up right now.

I wanted to tell you, I am trying.
But I knew you'll never believe that.
I never bought the idea either how others cannot get over ex's.

And today I wondered, maybe this is all wrong after all.
I never felt this much pain inside of me.
I pinched myself, sunk nails through my skin, put myself through pain,
but no.

I did not hesitate, I did not flinch.
Pain is all but relevance.

All I wonder, is how much more pain do I need to get out of here.