lost count

I lost count on what I want. He kissed me. I could feel my heart skipping a beat. So insane it sounds. But yes. I can feel it. I know how much he loves me, that I can't return him a favor at all. I didn't want to be the bad person, but I guess I have always been.

When I talk to Edmund, I feel as comfortable too. In fact if I could choose I'd runaway with him. History that I once did, that I just might repeat them cuz I'm too coward to face what I truly feel.

i tried to cry that saddens me more cuz I couldn't even force a tear. I already lost the sense of knowing how to cry fro baby boy. it nudges me, but it doesn't hurt. I've heard more than once, advices like that. to leave him, to screw him. What's worth to stay? Who is he to you?

I don't know.

Edmund says, let it come in. Stop blocking how to feel. I hope I could do this. I already starting to have the thought to tell baby boy how we can't even try to pull this longer although we've always known we were never meant to be. I'm still seeking for that little part of me that wants to hold on. I don't know why. perhaps the guilt taught me to do that. So I don't leave. So let me punish myself for what I've done.

HuiJin Liew