the who, where, what, and how.

Last Friday was Sports Appreciation Night. A day before, was the first time I saw you after MAPCU. Haven't really been talking to you though. You asked where would I be on the Friday night. I was surprised for a moment and quick to learn that it was regarding the sports appreciation night. I could not tell you how it was like to see you in shirts again. The first time and the last time I saw it, was the morning after we kissed. You probably wouldn't remember how much I like you wearing shirts. Make you look really neat. So I did took the opportunity to have a good look at you. Then when I thought you were leaving, I saw you left with the Squash girl. So I thought, okay, relax HuiJin, Just leave. Then I saw you coming back, I kinda don't want to leave anymore.

Few days back I thought I can definitely keep cool, I thought it was over. But I guess I was wrong. When we were flicking across the hall that night, it feels like home again. Most importantly, although it was a big lump on my head, but when we were so close again..it felt so familiar and feelings start swarming in. I waited for you, like how I used to. Then you said you're going skillpool. I had thoughts but I went on with you anyway. When you were leaving, you didn't tell me, but I whispered goodbye to you anyway. That very moment, I had so much urges, I wanted to run to you and hug you and tell you how much I missed you. But I stayed in skillpool and played on. 

 I have no idea was that a right move. Considering myself to be with Zhong Jian, this is a right move, but it was with regrets. Regrets that I couldn't tell you how I feel. I still am curious bout things that happen between me and you. How things was so much in a piece but did not attach. 

I guess, I began to learn how sometimes, the people you love most aren't really people made for you. There were people to teach you to become a better person. 

Stephanie thought me, who is love? That love is innocent, and it doesn't despise who you are. 

Jeremy thought me, where is love? That love cannot be compared by distance, and cannot be measured by values.

Edmund, you. You thought me the most important thing. You thought me, what is love? That love is a feeling you know you just don't want to lose them, you can't sleep without thinking of them, you can't bear not talking to them.

But Zhong Jian, he thought me how to love? He thought me love is unconditional. He thought me that there will be people who will love you more than you do. He thought me, how friends and lovers meant. He thought me, how feeling secure meant. 

Things between me and ZhongJian are plain sailing as long as I don't see you. Now that even I do, I seem to just avoid calling you. I just want to pretend that I don't see you. I guess thats how we come across one another so often, but we will never meet. ZhongJian treats me so well, I couldn't say no. It doesn't make sense to push him away any further. So I decided to just stay closer. Perhaps he is the right one. At least at the moment, he is doing thing alright. I don't want to disappoint him anymore. I could see the impact on him. He stopped drinking, now his withdrawal and headaches are so so far less frequent. It made a difference when I stay close to him. Have I told you I'm going Vietnam with his family? He kept telling me, I'm part of his family. And I felt so much at home at Malacca. 

As for Jeremy, we went out once for the Coca-Cola exhibitors event back at Publika. I just cant get used to it on how he wants to splurge on me. I just cant help but to say no. I knew things couldn't mend back anymore. So I decided to pull out. I told him things weren't working, and it just wouldn't work anymore. I felt better this way. Not to say I'm with whoever, but at least I don't feel the pressure anymore. I don't feel insecure. And I know how love feels like again. 

I don't know what is going to happen to me. All I can do is hopefully doing the right thing and all the best to all my loverboys. 

HuiJin Liew