the calls I made

Lately, we have been meeting into Edmund. I had decided to let go, but nonetheless, it still does feel awkward. Yesterday, he can't help it anymore. I can tell, simply cuz he wasn't that good at hiding his feelings. SO I asked. Was it the necklace that I was so nervous about, or was it Edmund?

I'm right. He said, he's still afraid of Edmund when he sees him, or in other words, I see Edmund. He's afraid I'll leave with him alone, just like how I did it once. He said he had been struggling for the 7 months, he thought it was going to be okay. I guess I wanted to say something, and not like how Jeremy refuse to tell me anything. It wasnt going to be nice. I said, I'm afraid when I see him too. I didnt know what happen to us, that he avoided me. He said, I don't know what is going on, and I'm not the right person to say anything. 

He mentioned bout the time I asked bout the Hunger Games ending, if the girl is genuine to the guy. He said, he was scared since then. He isn't sure if I'm genuine to him, or is it just a replacement. It saddens me. So I asked if he thinks I'm being genuine. He said he hopes. It's heart-wrenching, then it became doubtful, I began to wonder if its true. That he was a leap for me away from Edmund. 

What saddens him, is that he said he will always be afraid that one day I'll turn cold again like I use to. He's afraid that I'll run to Edmund if I can again, He said he's afraid that he'll get used to being pampered by me, and I left. He said, that to realize it was because Edmund gave up and wasnt because he had won against him.

Yesterday, we talked again. For the past semester, it was my best semester, but it was his worst. He had a rough time bout me not being able to spend time with him. How I couldn't hide my excitement to meet Edmund, how much his few words can replace everything he had done for me. There's nothing Edmund has done to show that he is worth it. I just kept quiet. Maybe, I thought.

He said when he had me over at last, I was half broken. He said he'll fix me. He was, and still is all over me. Sometimes, I just hope I'm for him. He did made me feel so comfortable around him. There's no need to hide, to pretend. He knows me so well. He did made me feel like breaking through to new things, like traveling, eating and movies.

That was why I went back to him. Probably a big round, but I'm back. I can't tell if I like him, I just know I feel safe with him around and everything is will fall in place, because he said so.

HuiJin Liew