for you, my love

im afraid i'm incapable to fall in love. but when I look closer, I still feel my heartbeat races when i see or hear him. But when you ask me if I could say the three words to you, you asked me why am I shunning you away? I don't know. I'm sorry for saying I don't know all the time, because I want to stop hurting you, but i want to stay honest to myself. I'm so afraid I fell out for you. I didn't want to think so. I know I get a little workaholic, and you get a little perfectionist. I always feel like we make each other so uncomfortable. At work, I know I can never be on par with you, but when I see you trying to make me understand something and the look in your face when you get frustrated on how I can never understand a simple theory to you. You always winder why do I get mood swings like that. How can I ever tell you why? I don't want you to act differently because of me.

And I hate how I still dream of him. and I somehow see his shadow around me a lot. I still want to do something for him. Is it my fault again? Was it because I couldn't handle memories that doesn't revolve around me anymore. Was it because I couldn't handle commitments?

I was kinda glad that CNY holiday is near. So I could try to feel again. Being too attached makes me feel scared I remember how I use to miss you dearly I cried when I heard your voice across the phone. I want to feel that again. I don't want to fall out again so easily. I know you tried so hard for me, doing all you can, giving me all of you.

HuiJin Liew