square one.

I didn't know how to name this post. I hate how I wish my imaginary scene happened just like how I hope it would turn out to be. But every single time, it didn't happen. Perhaps I was too careless. Perhaps I am still so demanding. Perhaps I was still hoping.

It's funny to notice the ratio of my happy notes and pathetic notes and how ironic they are. I'm almost rest assured I left everything behind my mind. Whether they call it denial or the other way round. I knew it must be one of the time, or the time of the month again that noting feels right between us and I don't know what can I do. I really wanted to cry, cuz I can feel it's there and it's too much pain to bear if I can't cry it out. Unfortunately, I have not cried, even when I prompt myself to.

 I almost forgot how to cry. 

I wanted to see my baby boy today. Perhaps I thought he would want to see me too. Maybe I was wrong, and my ego just won't step down. I knew how I felt and it's funny to see the same post on how I felt at this very moment at the same time.

Its goes,

Honestly, I'm not sure if I should keep holding on or let go. It's stupid to hold on something that continues to hurt you but it's equally stupid to let go of something you have ever wanted.

I know we should talk. But maybe I'm scared that if I say anything silly, and you are not going to pull me back anymore. I know there's no point waiting. But maybe I'm scared of losing someone, I didn't have.