timeout
the insecurities never left for over the past week. Even after we have discussed over the topic. The night after that, I find myself confused again, because I've been led by my instinct to see what I'll find. I found, some love notes on her wall, on November last year. This is getting more messed up than it is. Am I a replacement baby? Who is she? Is she the one that you said love you <3 to? I forgot. I almost forgot about her.
I guess my heart felt too heavy for two consecutive nights. It will kill me, whether I say them loud or otherwise. I always am afraid, simply because I don't know if you'd pull me back in your arms when I let go, or even when I try to let go. I swear, I don't know if you would. Thats was the reason why I hold back all the while.
I was thinking about it, and you texted me. I wrote, "I'm tired baby" For I know once I've started the topic, there is no room to turn back time. There ain't no Doraemon for us. Even if it is let unsaid, the scar will remain in his, and my heart. When he replied. I almost gave in and just do what I always and have gotten used to it; i.e. put it behind my mind and go to sleep.
But then I said, "Maybe we should get a time out". That 30 minutes felt like forever. I dig out courage from every inch of my soul to hit that send button and every inch of them are waiting for his reply. Every second at the moment, almost tear me apart. And he responded with only a :(
I was so worn out, I almost didn't know what did I say to him. Then I mentioned her. Cuz it is partly the reason and the trigger why I have decided that way. I said, she must be real special to him, and he said yes. Even with my replies and my goodnight, I hoped it killed him a little inside, cuz it kills me a lot every second since I found out that he decided to remain silent.
It was a bad night. I was tired, I was asleep with a bad dream. Everytime I open my eyes, I checked on the phone and I hoped you say something but you did not. When I have given up, I pull myself off the bed, I couldn't handle the pressure sinking in, that how true my fear was. The fear, that he'll never pull me back in. I almost want to run back to him and take back all my words. But my ego says NO. I want to run to someone and tell this to them. I found Penny and I told her so. Maybe the moment she said, she'll get tired explaining sometimes if their other half doesn't trust them, maybe he is someone like that, just maybe.
True enough, I have been pondering on the same topic for a long time. Was it me being demanding? Or simply he did not gave me enough assurance to feel alright?
Just in time, he messaged me on the Facebook. I guess, I wanted to leave the topic behind. I'm too old for drama. I never like arguing with my boy. So we just let it be. We talked like usual I guess.
It's been a while since he talked to me every morning. It's already three days now. He talks to me in FB as often as he can. He even added a song into my playlist. "Kiss". Probably this distance is just comfortable enough for us. not too close, not too far.
Deep down, I hoped you realize something about us. I don't know when will I truly give up, cuz I know I don't want to let myself to give up on you. Deep down, I hope you will that I mean someone to you too. Deep down, I know I still do love you.
HuiJin Liew
I guess my heart felt too heavy for two consecutive nights. It will kill me, whether I say them loud or otherwise. I always am afraid, simply because I don't know if you'd pull me back in your arms when I let go, or even when I try to let go. I swear, I don't know if you would. Thats was the reason why I hold back all the while.
I was thinking about it, and you texted me. I wrote, "I'm tired baby" For I know once I've started the topic, there is no room to turn back time. There ain't no Doraemon for us. Even if it is let unsaid, the scar will remain in his, and my heart. When he replied. I almost gave in and just do what I always and have gotten used to it; i.e. put it behind my mind and go to sleep.
But then I said, "Maybe we should get a time out". That 30 minutes felt like forever. I dig out courage from every inch of my soul to hit that send button and every inch of them are waiting for his reply. Every second at the moment, almost tear me apart. And he responded with only a :(
I was so worn out, I almost didn't know what did I say to him. Then I mentioned her. Cuz it is partly the reason and the trigger why I have decided that way. I said, she must be real special to him, and he said yes. Even with my replies and my goodnight, I hoped it killed him a little inside, cuz it kills me a lot every second since I found out that he decided to remain silent.
It was a bad night. I was tired, I was asleep with a bad dream. Everytime I open my eyes, I checked on the phone and I hoped you say something but you did not. When I have given up, I pull myself off the bed, I couldn't handle the pressure sinking in, that how true my fear was. The fear, that he'll never pull me back in. I almost want to run back to him and take back all my words. But my ego says NO. I want to run to someone and tell this to them. I found Penny and I told her so. Maybe the moment she said, she'll get tired explaining sometimes if their other half doesn't trust them, maybe he is someone like that, just maybe.
True enough, I have been pondering on the same topic for a long time. Was it me being demanding? Or simply he did not gave me enough assurance to feel alright?
Just in time, he messaged me on the Facebook. I guess, I wanted to leave the topic behind. I'm too old for drama. I never like arguing with my boy. So we just let it be. We talked like usual I guess.
It's been a while since he talked to me every morning. It's already three days now. He talks to me in FB as often as he can. He even added a song into my playlist. "Kiss". Probably this distance is just comfortable enough for us. not too close, not too far.
Deep down, I hoped you realize something about us. I don't know when will I truly give up, cuz I know I don't want to let myself to give up on you. Deep down, I hope you will that I mean someone to you too. Deep down, I know I still do love you.
HuiJin Liew
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