messed up.

I couldn't control my emotions lately. I went from happy and down to upset. I can't believe I actually threw my tantrum at my friend. Oh gosh. I'm sorry Timothy. I'm glad to have him as a friend. :) My best sack bag yet.

I was slightly emotional and i truly apologize for affecting everyone else's mood for the day. I tried to chill  out and smile. Cuz I find it difficult to explain what happen, or well, I don't know what happen. Everything was fine the next morning and we went to DRA as normal.

I dressed up, slightly, surprising actually. well, it's okay lah. Awkward when people look at me, but I think it's okay tho. oh well. People judge. They always do. Nonetheless, had another chat with Aaric tho. I guess he could be one of those when we speak, I get slightly intimidated. Cuz I know he knew something. And the thought that he wants to know more makes me feel vulnerable around him. But it was a good day still. Gossiped with the seniors in Rac Pudu. I still do believe that even though with all the Rotaract politics hanging around, I like knowing them. Networking was the reason why I was there.

Having to rush up and down, was probably about me, being greedy so i sacrificed my sleeping time for these. Sunday went off to Bentong for Ching Beng. It was also going well, until Jaime triggered me. I hate when people talk like they know something when they don't.

You don't know how it feels like to be dating someone like my boy. You don't know that I feel hurt too. You don't know that I am still an ordinary girl. You don't know that I never tell stories about him and I. You don't know a thing about me being his girl. You don't know, cuz you only see what I choose to show. Don't tell me to get dumped to know how upsetting you felt. Cuz you're making excuses for yourself for all the stupid actions you have done.

Grow up  soon, Jaime.

Because the trigger was pulled recently, it dragged on till night. So I talked to baby again. He almost responded the same way. I almost want to fuck that whole thing up. You, Me and our egos baby. It's gonna break us both. It makes me feel better to know that you get jealous too. But I still do not appreciate you not taking my words seriously. 

You're promising me more now baby. I don't expect you to promise, cuz when you do, I'm depending on the promise. I'm merely holding on it. You asked me to trust you. As usual, you never explain anything, or anything more than what you'd say. 

You'd say I'm thinking too much. 

You'd say I love you and its just that simple.

You'd say its long distance. 

You'd say alololololo.

You're always repeating, but you promised me, you'll make it up to me. you promised me you'll tell me your whereabouts, it somewhat somehow, gives my heart a lil peace which was partly the reason why I still did not gave up.

That's what you say, baby. That's everything that you said. 

At a point, I hoped you'd just break up with me, so at least there's a reason why aren't we talking, why there is nothing but Nothing between us, why I feel insecure. Yes, it crosses my mind too many of a time. That's how desperate the situation, in my opinion has become. I don't know was it me, giving you too much assurance, or issit you already felt too comfortable about our distanced relationship?

HuiJin Liew