the irony
It's semester break alas. Here I am at home, after weeks I tell myself not to come back. Earlier the month, I was tearing down. Me and my boy. I kept it inside, hide it inside, I can literally feel myself running away. I mentally blocked the image. Now that I lease it, I really didn't realize that it still hurts.
How ironic, that I'm so tired now, but I want to stay awake. Awake to reflect about my complicated relationships that I often gotten myself into. How me and him get so messed up. How could I want and not want him at the same time.
I hate every moment, when I know I'm tearing down inside, but my tears aint streaming out.
I hate how everytime, I don't know what am I doing. I just do and do, and then I lost myself.
I just go on and say I don't know I don't know. The fact me and baby are drifting apart seems so real now. Sometimes, I wonder if I should confront him. I'm getting tired with all these, and I'm sure he is too. But now that I am at fault, what am I suppose to say. All I could say, is that i understood what baby meant when he use to say,' no matter what happen I'll always come back to you'. I didn't want to talk to baby about all these anymore.
I really do now.
I didn't want him to get upset, but I guess I was too late. Indeed, he filled in all the blanks baby couldn't give me. I enjoyed how he cared so much for me. So when I feel him so upset, it breaks me to. I don't know how I felt for him, but if it makes him happy, I'll do it.
I'm such a messed up kid. :( I don't know who can I tell all these shitty things to. All the shits that happen, all the sadness that sinks in, all the mistakes I've done, all the moment I can't decide.
I don't want to admit that I was wrong. I was too stubborn. But all I want was middle class life. Just someone that care for me as much as I care for him. I know baby is busy with his work, he is in the midst of building his career, but all I want....all I want was to spend time with him. That one thing, he cannot promise me. That if I want to meet him, it;s like I have to get a number, that until he has the time for me.
Thats sadness, that I wasn't that very much important, that he would go and tell someone, she is my special someone, like how he admitted she was special to him. I feel such a substitute, Even if it;s for him. I feel like a substitute too. Like simply because I was easy and dumb.
I feel like I'm using him to fill in my own blanks. The fact that baby didn't have time for me. The fact that I made use of him. I feel fucked. That's why I didn't dare to promise or to say things I shouldn't.
Sometimes, I just hope I have someone I can just run to and cry and start telling them all the fucked up things that had happen then get an ice-cream and fall asleep after that. But I haven't found one yet.
HuiJin Liew
How ironic, that I'm so tired now, but I want to stay awake. Awake to reflect about my complicated relationships that I often gotten myself into. How me and him get so messed up. How could I want and not want him at the same time.
I hate every moment, when I know I'm tearing down inside, but my tears aint streaming out.
I hate how everytime, I don't know what am I doing. I just do and do, and then I lost myself.
Who can I run to?
I just go on and say I don't know I don't know. The fact me and baby are drifting apart seems so real now. Sometimes, I wonder if I should confront him. I'm getting tired with all these, and I'm sure he is too. But now that I am at fault, what am I suppose to say. All I could say, is that i understood what baby meant when he use to say,' no matter what happen I'll always come back to you'. I didn't want to talk to baby about all these anymore.
I really do now.
I didn't want him to get upset, but I guess I was too late. Indeed, he filled in all the blanks baby couldn't give me. I enjoyed how he cared so much for me. So when I feel him so upset, it breaks me to. I don't know how I felt for him, but if it makes him happy, I'll do it.
I'm such a messed up kid. :( I don't know who can I tell all these shitty things to. All the shits that happen, all the sadness that sinks in, all the mistakes I've done, all the moment I can't decide.
I don't want to admit that I was wrong. I was too stubborn. But all I want was middle class life. Just someone that care for me as much as I care for him. I know baby is busy with his work, he is in the midst of building his career, but all I want....all I want was to spend time with him. That one thing, he cannot promise me. That if I want to meet him, it;s like I have to get a number, that until he has the time for me.
Thats sadness, that I wasn't that very much important, that he would go and tell someone, she is my special someone, like how he admitted she was special to him. I feel such a substitute, Even if it;s for him. I feel like a substitute too. Like simply because I was easy and dumb.
I feel like I'm using him to fill in my own blanks. The fact that baby didn't have time for me. The fact that I made use of him. I feel fucked. That's why I didn't dare to promise or to say things I shouldn't.
Sometimes, I just hope I have someone I can just run to and cry and start telling them all the fucked up things that had happen then get an ice-cream and fall asleep after that. But I haven't found one yet.
HuiJin Liew
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