Today.
We went out today. After a week of my break, I literally decided not to see him. But he asked, I agreed. I wanted answers and some clarification for myself. I need to know how I felt for him. Is it still there HuiJin?
Last night he asked, I couldn't sleep after that. Morning I got up early and went for a run. I had been thinking of him and baby boy. I grip tight and ran. When I stopped, they come back to me. I stood there crying.
I learnt something today. Just to make sure I don't cry when I see baby, I cried before I meet him. That's what happen for the last few times we met. So, what I felt after today? I think we've changed, in a way. Maybe the distance changed us, maybe the incident changed us, maybe broken hearts have yet to heal.
We are like in a different world. I can't pretend like I know things of what he said. I understood of course, but those are work, those are the things I honestly am not interested to know. I know he'll do great but I just...I just don't comment more than a word of it. I just listened. I guess that's why he stopped telling me his stuff, cuz I don't seem to show much interest. I'm sorry baby.
Today, we sat down for lunch. He didn't stop more than 2 minutes, he'll be checking his phone. It has been almost natural, that every single time his phone rang, I have this unexplained fear, this unexplained nudge in the heart and I will look away. I'm scared I saw something I shouldn't again. Have I told you that I actually forgot about the message that got me feeling so teared up? It came back since the day I realize I was a replacement when I saw what he wrote to her.
Today, we didn't spoke much. I somehow just felt, he knew just as much as I do that it's been quieter than before. I didn't talk a lot. I smiled when I knew I've got nothing to say. I wanted to believe that our hearts are too broken to pretend bad things didn't happen. I want to continue to believe that it's okay. Let's not make today a bad day for him. Let's not cry in front of him again HuiJin. So I smiled. I want to appreciate every time with him. I want to believe that it takes time to heal. I want to believe he felt so much pain as I do and I want to believe that we still want this no matter how rough things get, how these time are hard.
Today, I realize it's no longer the same. The way he hold me close, the way he look at me, the way he held my hand, the way he kissed me. Something is missing. The secrets we held within ourselves, the secrets we hope we could bury and hoping none of us would find out, I suppose was our breaking point. It is our relationship greatest barrier which we both are reluctant to break. I don't know why he held on, but I guess I knew why I did.
There were so many times, and so many reasons that I know I could leave, but I did not.
Today, I gotten my answers. I know it is probably gone by now. But my intention remains the same. Doesn't matter how tired I get, its a promised I made to myself for him, that I'll not give up on him, no matter what happen, not until he gives up on me.
Today I asked myself, what about Zhong Jian? It's really an irony being with him and being with my baby. It always started off as a bad day and ends up good with Zhong Jian. He always makes me feel protected at times. He made me feel important. He'd look into my eyes and say how beautiful my eyes are, how good I smelt today. I probably had fallen for him for being such a sweetheart.
He's probably the right person at a wrong time.
He said, he never wanted anything in return from me. Don't be silly Zhong Jian. I don't know how to continue to want you to love me and to have you to waste your time. I don't know how to feel okay knowing I couldn't give you what you could offer me. So I asked myself, should I go Malacca or not? If he still feels for me, what should I do?
I'm sorry.
HuiJin Liew
Last night he asked, I couldn't sleep after that. Morning I got up early and went for a run. I had been thinking of him and baby boy. I grip tight and ran. When I stopped, they come back to me. I stood there crying.
I learnt something today. Just to make sure I don't cry when I see baby, I cried before I meet him. That's what happen for the last few times we met. So, what I felt after today? I think we've changed, in a way. Maybe the distance changed us, maybe the incident changed us, maybe broken hearts have yet to heal.
We are like in a different world. I can't pretend like I know things of what he said. I understood of course, but those are work, those are the things I honestly am not interested to know. I know he'll do great but I just...I just don't comment more than a word of it. I just listened. I guess that's why he stopped telling me his stuff, cuz I don't seem to show much interest. I'm sorry baby.
Today, we sat down for lunch. He didn't stop more than 2 minutes, he'll be checking his phone. It has been almost natural, that every single time his phone rang, I have this unexplained fear, this unexplained nudge in the heart and I will look away. I'm scared I saw something I shouldn't again. Have I told you that I actually forgot about the message that got me feeling so teared up? It came back since the day I realize I was a replacement when I saw what he wrote to her.
Today, we didn't spoke much. I somehow just felt, he knew just as much as I do that it's been quieter than before. I didn't talk a lot. I smiled when I knew I've got nothing to say. I wanted to believe that our hearts are too broken to pretend bad things didn't happen. I want to continue to believe that it's okay. Let's not make today a bad day for him. Let's not cry in front of him again HuiJin. So I smiled. I want to appreciate every time with him. I want to believe that it takes time to heal. I want to believe he felt so much pain as I do and I want to believe that we still want this no matter how rough things get, how these time are hard.
Today, I realize it's no longer the same. The way he hold me close, the way he look at me, the way he held my hand, the way he kissed me. Something is missing. The secrets we held within ourselves, the secrets we hope we could bury and hoping none of us would find out, I suppose was our breaking point. It is our relationship greatest barrier which we both are reluctant to break. I don't know why he held on, but I guess I knew why I did.
There were so many times, and so many reasons that I know I could leave, but I did not.
So why now?
Today, I gotten my answers. I know it is probably gone by now. But my intention remains the same. Doesn't matter how tired I get, its a promised I made to myself for him, that I'll not give up on him, no matter what happen, not until he gives up on me.
Today I asked myself, what about Zhong Jian? It's really an irony being with him and being with my baby. It always started off as a bad day and ends up good with Zhong Jian. He always makes me feel protected at times. He made me feel important. He'd look into my eyes and say how beautiful my eyes are, how good I smelt today. I probably had fallen for him for being such a sweetheart.
He's probably the right person at a wrong time.
He said, he never wanted anything in return from me. Don't be silly Zhong Jian. I don't know how to continue to want you to love me and to have you to waste your time. I don't know how to feel okay knowing I couldn't give you what you could offer me. So I asked myself, should I go Malacca or not? If he still feels for me, what should I do?
I'm sorry.
HuiJin Liew
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