it's complicated

I'm a very strong person. Whether in making decisions, in solving problems, in staying calm. However, this was an exception to my relationship. I always end up in a messed up place, in a complicated knot.

I ran away to Malacca, to Johor. I literally did ran from him. My mentality almost stood strong enough. I told myself, 4 days, 4 words, 普通朋友.

I failed myself. 

I let myself submerge in the temporary rush for pleasure and the moment I feel much pampered. I'm far too selfish. 

I don't know what can I say. He confessed to me so much of a time, I kept silent anyhow. I didn't know what should I say, because I didn't want him to stop loving me, but I didn't want to let baby go. How much more of a selfish bitch can I be?

True. I am afraid of what people would  think about me. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to admit what I have done. I'm sorry for not being able to stand up for you. I'm sorry for always leaving you alone. I'm sorry that I can't bring myself to be with you despite how much I feel around you. I cannot because I don't have to courage to face the society. I had this once, I was trying to get it away. Now, it's a bigger puddle, in this dark secrets. People start asking and I can't bring myself to face it honestly. I've broken the hearts. Both I guess, and mine too. How can a broken heart heal? I didn't want to put the blame on anyone else cuz I am the reason why this shit happen.

In the eyes of public, we continue to be in a relationship. But I guess, we couldn't hide much. Feelings cannot be hidden. 

I got myself involved in other things. I didn't care more of baby much. Probably I had hit the limit. As for him, I told myself, if I had to, I'll make history repeats. I'll make the same decision I've done once. 

HuiJin Liew